Relationship Is Often The “Route Cause” Of Your Dog’s Crappy Behavior

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Welcome to Off Leash and Unfiltered. Trigger Warning. I'm Kati Peppe, delivering the Truth in Dog Training.

Hey everybody, this is your host, Kati Peppe. Before we jump in, I just wanted to take a quick second and remind you to hit the subscribe button because that helps us so, so, so much. We appreciate every subscribe and follow, and we have so much valuable information we wanna share with you. So we don't want you to miss an episode. Without further ado, let's jump in. Welcome everyone. Thanks for joining me for another episode of Off Leash and Unfiltered. I am your host, Kati Peppe, and I have closed my recording. Okay, there we go. I'm not good with technology.

Never claimed to be. I'm doing my best. Um, so I've caught my daughter's cold. If you can't tell, I have a little bit of a sniffle, so I apologize for that. And all the random sneezing fits that I will probably have because I'm probably not gonna have time to edit them out.

So <laugh>, I'm sorry guys, bear with me. Um, lot going on. We have dogs going home. Uh, Rumi went home, Rudder went home, and today Bug went home. And tomorrow Tiki goes home. And that's all of our trainees. Um, I do have dogs at home, but they're all boarders right now. Um, we have Coda right now, we have Porter and we have Amos and we have Henry, but our only trainees are, um, Bug, who went home today though, and Tiki. So Tiki's the only trainee left. Um, so that's five dogs. So we're full <laugh>, but we're full of boarders, not trainees anyway.

Uh, neither here nor there. Just exciting. The dogs are going home and they're doing amazing. Their owners are so happy, it's so much fun, um, to do these go home lessons and just see the excitement. And, you know, five min, not even five minutes, it was like 30, literally guys, 30 seconds after Bug's owner walked in, she was already going, oh my God, I cannot believe he's being so good.

02:00 — Kati describes a dog lying calmly without being told to, instead of whining, pulling,…

I cannot believe he's like laying down and just not being crazy and whining and pulling and like trying to jump all over. Like he just laid down and we didn't even tell him to. Um, because he's learned how to cope with arousal. And so some dogs still lose it when their owner is walking and we have to work 'em through that, and that's okay. And we kind of expect that. Um, but he held it together really, really well. Um, but it's always fun when the owner comes back and we're not even one minute into things and they're already just blown away, um, by the difference in their dog.

I love that. So it, it was a great go home lesson and I, I am confident Tiki's will be as well tomorrow. And Tiki is actually the inspiration for this episode, which deals in relationship. I know I talk about relationship a lot. Excuse me.

Uh, I talk about relationship a lot, but guys, this determines like almost everything about your dog's behavior. So no, relationship is not the only thing that matters, right? There, you do have, you have to address things directly if you want them to go away. Um, you have to encourage things if you want them to be duplicated, right? Replicated, um, you want them to be executed more often, um, especially naturally, then yeah, you gotta reward things. Um, so there's still a, a training, quote unquote, training aspect, right? But relationship plays a huge role in your dog's behavior.

Um, so Tiki's owner, um, has some specific behavioral stuff with Tiki, of course, um, like most people do that she wanted help with. And, um, he can be bitey. So there's that. Um, he was humping everything at home, so there's that. Um, he wasn't good with other dogs, which, you know, there's, we could dig into that whole topic, right?

That could be another three whole episodes on its own. Um, but here's the thing. At my house, he's been great with all the dogs. Has he been perfect? No, but pretty damn close. Like he's, he's been really good with the other dogs. Um, and there's a reason for that. Um, and so I wanna kind of dig into what that reason is because, you know, she wants us to help her with that and we absolutely will. We're happy to do that. But the fact is, a lot of times when someone complains, you know, that their dog does a behavior like their, my dog won't let me cut their nails.

My dog jumps up and bites my arm when we're playing. My dog, um, marks in the house. My dog, um, isn't good with other dogs and will get nippy or, you know, whatever it is.

05:00 — She connects a dog’s small, disrespectful behaviors to the absence of clear consequences.

Like all these little things, right? Where the dog is just taking the liberty of doing stuff that's kind of disrespectful, right? It's like, yes, it's true. We probably just haven't provided the dog with a consequence, which would stop the behavior. But a lot of times if you provide consequences for anything, anywhere, at any point, it will stop all these other behaviors. And so why is that? Well, the reason is because the, your dog's perception of you changes as it should, right? Because you're different, right? You're somebody with standards. You're somebody who issues negative consequences. Now where in the past maybe you weren't, right?

So that is different. Your dog is right and your dog will most likely behave differently. So I'm not the nail person. I don't like cutting nails. I don't know if I'm cutting them correctly, guys. I'm not a groomer. I don't like doing nails, okay? But as part of our behavioral program, if someone has an issue with nail cutting, we will usually look at nails, right? We will, we, even though I'm not an expert at how to cut nails, I do know how to teach dogs to tolerate it.

And we're not gonna get into all that right now. But what a, my point is, here's how I usually fix this. Now, this isn't a hundred percent of the time, 'cause again, not everything happens. Not everything your dog does is because you don't have the relationship. So there are trainers out there that will say that too, right? If your dog ever does this or ever does that, it's because the relationship isn't in place. Well, that's just horse shit too. You can have your relationship in place, you can be a person with standards and boundaries, and you can still have a dog that does stuff you don't like sometimes, right?

Especially when it comes to things like nails, 'cause a lot of dogs are just terrified out of their mind. And you can have your relationship in place and it can still be a problem.

However, nine out of 10 dogs that come in here with owners that say he or she will not let me cut their nails, they go home letting us cut their nails, and we never even worked on it. The way that we usually go about this, if someone drops a dog off for a three- or four-week program and they say nails are an issue, I can't cut his nails. The way I deal with that is we spend one to two weeks just training the dog. And then I sit down to look at the nails and it's just not a problem.

It's not a problem. Why? Because the relationship is in place. The dog knows I'm a person with standards. There's expectations. The dog knows there's consequences. If they put their mouth on me, if they growl at me, if they don't do a thing that I'm asking them to do like that, I'm gonna follow through. I'm gonna require that.

And there's trust in place too. The dog knows I'm clear. I always follow through. I always get the thing I ask for. And nothing bad happens. I wouldn't ask the dog to do a thing if something terrible was gonna happen. So trust is in place, the anxiety is reduced, the respect is in place. And 90% of the time the dog will submit to having their nails done. And it's just not a problem. They might not love it, but they'll lay there and they'll let me do it. No questions asked. Also, they've probably already, at that point, had a lot of practice doing things they don't feel like doing.

They've already learned. Just because you don't feel like it doesn't really matter, you're gonna have to do it anyway, right? They've learned to be inconvenienced. Um, they've learned to submit to doing things that they don't really wanna do it right now.

And so nails often fall into that category. <laugh> Right? It's not that the dog's terrified out of their mind, it's just that they don't really like it and they don't really want to. Um, and so for those dogs, generally speaking, we don't even have to work on nail trimming directly. We just train the dog and within a couple of weeks we can just sit down and do their nails and it's not an issue. Um, but so that's the power of relationship, right? So Tiki at home when he's around other dogs, very snarly, bitey, um, and I haven't seen him, but I know that's kind of his default behavior.

And I saw it when he was a puppy.

Um, and it's very rare to see him do that now. I think we had one or two subtle instances of that when he came back for his e-collar board-and-train this time. And it was very specific context that triggered it. And it was very subtle and halfhearted. Um, and with some feedback, he snapped right out of it, right? But so all the dogs we've had, all the different personality types, um, he has been around them. He's been on place with them. He's had yard time with them. He's walked with them. Um, he did place with Bug yesterday and Bug is about 50 times his size.

<laugh> And they were wonderful. No problems at all. He plays with my dogs. I have a small dog and a big dog. Um, and he tries like hell to get the attention of my big dog. Now granted, if my big dog gives him attention, I see the insecurity.

I see him kind of roll over. I see him get a little tense, a little nervous. Um, but my dog will sniff him and then walk away and Tiki gets right up and runs right back over to him. And those kind of interactions are actually okay. So if my dog stayed there and continued to make him feel uncomfortable, I'd probably call him away, right? Because I want him to see if a dog comes over and sniffs you and makes you uncomfortable, if you can just tolerate it, they're probably gonna turn around and leave. Right? Nothing terrible's gonna happen.

12:00 — A dog that had struggled with other dogs has not snarled at or bitten…

Um, and so far that's been working great, and he's been doing really well, right? But he has never just drawn off and snarled or bitten another dog while he's been here, not once with all the different dogs and all the different personality types. Not once has he done that. So different dog, right? Different dog. But we didn't spend, like, any extended period of time, like, working on this thing. He came back, we started training him, we started e-collar conditioning him, and there were just other dogs around. And he just did fine. But because he knows there are standards, there are expectations, and he knows he's safe here, right?

Because, so this is so counterintuitive to people, right? But if you are the kind of person that actually makes decisions and enforces them, you direct things, you give instruction, you follow through, and you provide tangible consequences for untoward behavior. If you do that, you now are clearly running the show. And boy, does that make a dog feel secure, or it certainly helps, right? It won't necessarily cure them. If you have a dog that has some deep internalized insecurity, um, like Tiki, um, 'cause he certainly does. And you know what, guys? It makes sense. He's a two-pound dog. From a biological perspective, like, it makes a lot of sense for that dog to be nervous, especially when things approach him from above.

Um, but anyway, the relationship is there.

So, wow, this person's, they're the one, they're holding it down. They're giving the orders, they're handing out all the consequences, positive and negative. They're advocating for everybody. Like, I don't need to be frantic. And that's what happens. People are so soft and so loose, they give their dogs so much freedom. And so few real boundaries that are enforced. So few that dogs become frantic. And it just absolutely allows anxiety to flourish and insecurity to flourish, right? And you have a dog that just is all question marks, and it drives them out of their mind.

And you get the worst version of them, right? They're, they come, they become very defensive all the time because there's just so much gooey softness and there's no ground for them to stand on. There's no clarity. There's no path to walk, right? Everything's mushy and scary.

15:00 — She describes setting household rules and asking dogs to practice calmness instead of losing…

Versus I'm running the show. This is how things go around here. This is what I would like for you to do. This thing is not allowed. That thing's not allowed, right? I want you to rehearse calmness. I don't want you in your kennel losing your mind. I don't want you humping all your blankets, <laugh>. You know what I mean? Like, every time you give your dog feedback in these scenarios and you clarify things and you eliminate question marks, you bring security to your dog's mindset. Your dog needs firm ground to stand on. They need an illuminated path to walk.

It doesn't mean necessarily that you have to be militant all the time. All dogs are different. Some dogs need more than others. Some dogs need more structure. Some dogs need more discipline. Some dogs need more consequences, higher consequences more often, right? They're all different.

Some dogs do a 180 if you just give them any at all, right? And we see it all the time. Dogs that are just out of their mind with their owners and they're, they're insecure. They're acting defensively, they're using their mouth, or they're just getting overexcited all the time. They're treating the people in the house like their toys. They're biting them, they're ripping at their clothes, jumping all over them. Um, they're bolting through doors. Everything's a game, right? Because there's just, there's no meaningful feedback ever. And that relationship is not in place. So you take that dog that I just described, and if they don't like their nails done, how do you think it's gonna go?

It's not gonna go well, most likely, right? Because they're going to pull the frantic, overaroused, crazy, whatever it is, they're gonna flail around. Maybe they're gonna use their mouth, maybe they're gonna scream like a stuck pig, right? And you haven't even done anything yet, <laugh> just trying to grab their paw because really they go through their whole day that way and people just don't realize it. And so what we do, the magic of our programs is we level all of that, right? We, it all, all goes out the window. We overhaul everything. But it's so simple when you think about it.

So we start by taking away all of the freedom, right? It's not forever, guys. It's for now. We take away all of the freedom and we go, okay, and we're gonna spend 2, 3, 4 weeks, however long it is, teaching you a whole different way to exist, right?

18:00 — She says owners can make progress through consistent patterns and expectations, even without advanced…

And it sounds so complicated, but the fact is, anybody can do this now. Yeah, we do some more nuanced stuff. Some stuff that takes some skill, right? But even if you exclude, like, the proper e-collar training and the commands, there's still so much ground people could gain by just doing the patterning and the boundary setting, by just using the structure, by just using the kennel, by using the leash, by following through, by just disagreeing with a few simple behaviors. You could have a different dog. You could have a dog that's more respectful, a dog that's less anxious, a dog that's more confident, a dog that's less bratty.

Whatever it is that your issue is, you're going to see it diminish. I'm not saying it will be cured, although it may be. You'd be surprised, <laugh>, you'd be surprised.

But it's all about relationship. And unfortunately, not all, right? But relationship is a huge piece of it. And sometimes it's the only thing you need. Sometimes. The problem is everyone today thinks that having a good relationship with your dog is just teaching them that you're good and that you're fun, and that you're safe, and that you love them and that you feed them, right? And it's just biscuits and love and cuddles and food and cookies and nope. So 99% of dogs, guys, when they walk through our door, they already know that. They already know people are good.

They already know their owners are safe. They already know that all they've, all they've experienced is love, is affection, is food. Most dogs that come in here, they've already had all of that, but they've never had anybody draw a boundary, like a real boundary. Like tangibly disagree with something they've never in their life have not.

And the second they know you will do that, and it could be as simple as just bumping your dog off you when they get all up in your space or jump on you, that's drawing a boundary. It's, hey, no, you cannot just climb up into my, my space whenever you'd like to, right? Doesn't mean you can't have affection with your dog. Doesn't mean you can't invite your dog into your lap. But most dogs just come into their owner's space whenever they want to, climb up in their lap whenever they want to. And we either pet them and encourage it, or we push them off with like soft hands.

21:00 — She recommends starting boundaries in puppyhood, using unwanted physical intrusion as an example.

And from the dog's perspective, we're just petting them, or it's a game, right? Firmly just kind of bump the dog off. Game changer. Says, hey, nope. Mm, actually I can draw boundaries. And that's a boundary right now, right? But nobody does that. You should start drawing boundaries with your dog when they're a young puppy.

So if you wanna know what that looks like, I have done an episode, um, on puppy raising. I've done a couple, I'll link to those in the show notes. But my next episode, tune in for that because we are going to talk a little bit more about what this relationship-building piece looks like as a puppy and how do we handle bad puppy behaviors, and what role does their age play or their developmental stage. So that's gonna be a great episode. Come back, listen to that one for sure. Um, in the interim, with your dogs <laugh>, you can reward things, right?

No one's telling you you can't reward things, but most people are so concerned. It's funny too, because people are so concerned about telling their dog they're good and rewarding their dog usually with food, right? When they do the right thing. Everyone's so concerned about that.

No one's concerned about correcting their dog, and that's the thing that's missing. And when they finally get the memo, right, they finally get the information. They find us, we share, we show this is, this is what you do, this is how you do it. It usually circles right back to, well, can I tell him he is good? Well, should I give him some, a reward? No. Like your dog is biting your, like you have bruises on your arm, correct the dog. Tell, tell him no. Like, I'm not a toy. You can't do that. And no, you don't need to reward your dog.

Your dog needs to know you know how to draw boundaries, right? But if you're teaching your dog how to do a command, sure, give 'em some food even once they know it. If you wanna give them, we a tele bird, you wanna give your dog a treat as a reward now and then, yeah, great. Go ahead, right? But not for not doing bad behaviors, guys. Good God. Like get out of your own way. You don't have to pay your dog for everything, right? I don't pay people to walk by me and not punch me in the face.

24:00 — Kati distinguishes rewarding a learned command from expecting a dog not to engage in…

Nope, don't do that. It's an expectation. You're not allowed to punch people in the face. And if you do, there's going to be a consequence, right? I don't pay my kid for not shoplifting when we go into the store. Relationship. Dogs behave differently in an environment, in the presence of a person who actually delivers appropriate consequences and has expectations and has standards, standard. And to some people, that just sounds so mean, right? And the funny thing is, for some dogs, like the softer dogs, that might be as simple as a leash pop for bolting through doors and for jumping on me, right?

Basic stuff, right? But like I said, most dogs have been living in this world where everything is softness, everything is reward, everything is affection, everything is redirection, which is a reward, by the way.

And they have literally never experienced someone disagreeing with something, someone saying no, and delivering a physical piece of feedback. Dogs are very physical. Humans tend to be very, very verbal, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that's all it is, guys. It's just blah, blah, blah. Dogs are physical. You need a physical layer of communication and it has to be one the dog respects, right? So for some dogs, leash pops might be effective, probably not long term unless your dog is really a puss, right? But maybe, but even things as simple, like I said, as a, as a bump.

If the dog is getting up in your space, jumping on you, getting in your lap uninvited, a leash pop for trying to go through the door or being too forward at the door, a, a firm poke in the ribs for barking at somebody or, um, getting mouthy with you, right?

Or if they're a little puppy, like maybe wrapping their lips around their teeth and giving 'em a little squeeze, right? Just something physical that says, "Hey, we don't do that." No one does that. No one does that. And they create a monster. Luckily, it's fixable though. <laugh> It's fixable, right? So whenever you're ready, whenever you're ready, you can say, "Hey, today's the day we're gonna start disagreeing with some things." Pick a thing, pick two things, and say, "These are the things we're gonna go after 'em. We're gonna draw a line in the sand. We're gonna find a way to deliver a tangible negative consequence and say, 'Hey, that thing right there, that's not allowed.'"

You don't have to be mean. You don't have to be mad. In fact, you shouldn't be.

But your dog has to get the memo. And usually that requires a physical layer, right? Not that we're gonna hurt the dog in any way. We never do that. e-collars, fantastic, will not harm your dog, fully adjustable to whatever level your dog cares about. Highly recommend. But without that, you've got leash pops, you've got bonkers, and you've got using your body in some way, like bumping or even just using spatial pressure. Like that's something, right? Dog jumps on you. You walk into it, not back away from it, which is what people usually do, right? That just makes you the softie.

28:00 — She argues that offering a bone after a bite redirects the dog rather than…

It makes you the doormat, makes it a game.

But sharing that information with your dog and then after that, reward your dog for things. Great, right? But we don't do this redirection bullshit. That's not gonna build a relationship. You want, "Oh, you bite me, I'll give you a bone. Great, yeah, do that." No, don't do that. Tell your dog not to put their mouth on you. Tell your dog not to chew your furniture. Tell your dog not to bark at people out the window. Do not withhold that information from your dog. That will not build the relationship you want. Do not just reward your dog for not barking.

And then when they do bark, ignore it or say no with no consequence. 'Cause no is not a consequence. It's a noise. So even if your dog stops in the moment because they hear you're angry, no, it's meaningless. It's meaningless, okay? Because there's no consequence.

That is not a consequence. It is a noise. And all you actually manage to do in that moment is interrupt the behavior. And good training is not about interrupting behavior. It's about changing it. And what will happen with your big angry "no," even though it works in the moment, your dog will do it again in 10 minutes or an hour or tomorrow. But they're gonna keep doing it. And you're gonna have to keep going, "No, no." Well, I don't wanna do that. And that is not a solution. And that is not change. That's nagging, that's frustration.

That's not a good relationship. Counterintuitive, but good relationships are born of fairness, clarity, and providing consequences, both positive and negative. Reward what you like. This is oversimplification, but is basically true. Reward what you like. Find a way to safely, physically disagree with what you don't like in a manner that will cultivate actual change. Not just interrupting the behavior in the moment. The more feedback that's coming into your dog, both positive and negative, the more guidance, the more follow-through, the more actual tangible consequences, the better your relationship is going to be. It is not all about love and affection and softness and food. That will just make you a doormat.

31:00 — She urges owners not to let strangers approach dogs that dislike unfamiliar people.

And it will make your dog the worst version of themselves. Whether that be anxious, nervous, fearful, pushy, snotty, not good.

And while we're on the subject of relationship advocacy, guys, if your dog hates strangers, please stop putting them in a situation where strangers are gonna come up to them, make eye contact to them, talk to them, and stick their hands in their face. Stop doing that. Teach your dog that when they go out with you on a leash, nobody does that to them because they don't have to. Your dog doesn't like it. Why do you want, why? Why do they have to like it? So yeah, if your dog has dangerous behaviors, you need to address that, right?

We wanna make the safest dog possible. But going out into public and letting a total random stranger just put pressure on your dog like that, that's stupid. Don't do that.

Okay? For dogs that love it, whatever you wanna do, I still wouldn't do it for a lot of reasons. We, we can get into that on another episode. But advocating for your dog goes a very long way. So even B, that just went home today, I totally forgot this, but she reminded me today that it used to be when she took him out in public, he would bark at people. And I totally forgot that because you know what? I never saw it. I never saw him do that because by the time we were taking field trips, we already had ground rules laid.

He knew what the expectation was, and he knew that he was advocated for. And we went out and he walked in a heel and he never barked at anyone.

And before he came for his training, he'd be out on the leash, pulling, zigzagging, targeting, barking, the insecure woo woo, woo woo. We never saw that. He was as good as gold. So it's another prime example of, sure, if we saw that, I'd say no. I'd tap on the e-collar, give him a little correction, and then I'd remind him to heel. But I never saw that, never had to do that because the relationship was in place. Just went away. So that's it, guys. Relationship is magic. So go home today and start building that relationship with your dog.

Hey guys, thanks for joining us today. I really hope you enjoyed the show. If there's a specific topic you'd like to hear discussed, you can send that to me directly via email or fan mail. Just jump down into the show notes. That information will be there for you. I really look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for supporting the show, and I look forward to next time.