Does Your Dog Know You’re A Softy? 5 Steps To Finding Your More Assertive Side.

00:00 — Kati Peppe opens the episode and asks listeners to subscribe.

Welcome to Off Leash and Unfiltered Trigger Warning. I'm Kati Peppe, delivering the Truth in Dog Training.

Hey everybody, this is your host, Kati Peppe. Before we jump in, I just wanted to take a quick second and remind you to hit the subscribe button because that helps us so, so, so much. We appreciate every subscribe and follow and we have so much valuable information we wanna share with you. So we don't want you to miss an episode. Without further ado, let's jump in. Hey, so today we're doing an episode for all of you big softies out there. You know who you are, <laugh>. So, and some people might think you know that it's, it's the ladies that are super soft and you know what, it really isn't.

Um, I would say it's pretty close to a 50 50 split. So a lot of the people we see, you know, a lot of times we have families, we have couples that are coming to our dog training lessons and our go home lessons.

And no two people are exactly the same, right? So you're always gonna have one person that's maybe a little more apt to let things slide and in a softer and one person who's a little bit more of the disciplinarian and that's normal and natural. Um, but I wouldn't say that it's any more women than men. I would say it's probably slightly over half, uh, in my experience that have been the woman, that's the softer one, but almost just as often, um, the man in the relationship might be the softer one. So it doesn't matter. Soft is soft.

It doesn't matter who you are. Um, you might be big, you might be small, you might be male, you might be female. Anybody can be a softie, <laugh>. And if you fall into that category, this episode is for you. And man, I gotta tell you, no matter what kind of a dog you have, if you're super soft, they just know it.

They know, they know it and they manipulate you. Um, they demand things from you. You know, they test boundaries. They shouldn't be testing anymore. Even if you have like a quote unquote relatively good dog, you know, like you might, you might not have a dog that bites or does anything nasty. Um, but if you're super softie, they're probably still gonna have behaviors that drive you a little bit nuts, right? Like maybe they get whiny or maybe they're super demanding, um, following you around every whatever it is, you know, um, just not coming back when called because they have better things to do, <laugh>.

So today I just wanna talk about a few things you can do. We're gonna do a countdown, five items, things that can help you pull a little bit more of that disciplinarian out of yourself just so that you can start changing the way the dog views you a little bit.

03:00 — The episode introduces five ways to develop a more disciplined approach with your dog.

And I want to be clear about this 'cause people think the second that they start drawing boundaries with their dog or issuing consequences to their dog, that their dog just isn't gonna like them anymore. And I cannot tell you like, that could not be further from the truth. You guys absolutely couldn't. Most dogs are actually drawn to people that fill this leadership role better. And I've talked about this on other episodes. The people that will say that the dog is super attached to 'em, super crazy about them, has this unhealthy attachment, gets so excited they lose their mind to see them.

Those people, the dog doesn't listen to them because that's not healthy. That's not a healthy, balanced relationship with your dog. Yes, of course we want your dog to like love you and be excited to see you within reason, right? But that type of a relationship that people describe, it's not a good one.

It's not a healthy one. And if you perpetuate that just because it makes you feel good, well, you're gonna stay stuck, right? And you're potentially gonna make your dog's issues whatever they are, get worse. Um, so this is a great opportunity if you tend to be on the softer side and have a hard time drawing boundaries with your dog. Especially if you do have a dog that is pushy or that does have dangerous behaviors, like you wanna start being viewed a little bit differently. You want them to see the other side of you that you actually are not a doormat, you're not a PEs dispenser, right?

You can, you are worthy of respect, you're a relevant entity and you can draw boundaries and enforce them. And so we're gonna give you five simple steps to do that today. So number five is actually one that we talk about all the time, and that is just using your leash.

So right now, if you're one of those folks that just hangs onto the leash and your dog is at the other end just doing whatever they want, their nose is stuck to the ground, they're marking everything, they're weaving all over the place, they're wrapping you up. Change that. Start using your leash as a way to talk to the dog. Okay? Go on YouTube, watch some videos. Go to our social media, see the stuff we're doing. Learn how to give a leash pop, right? And shorten your leash up. Don't give your dog all six feet of leash.

They don't need it. Okay? So when you go out to walk your dog, put them on just a regular old leash, I want you to bunch that leash up into your hand so you have it in one hand. And it's nice and short, but we don't want it to be tight.

We just want it to be short, right? So now the leash is like maybe a couple feet. Depends on how tall your dog is, <laugh>. Um, and they're walking next to you, right? Because you have a nice short leash. So if you give the dog six feet a leash, they're not gonna be next to you. They're gonna be six feet ahead of you unless you've done the training to change that, which you haven't because you know, if you have those probably aren't the people we're talking to right now. So nice short leash. And when your dog pulls, you pop the leash, okay?

Or if your dog does something you don't like that you wanna disagree with, pop the leash. Now you can start with this in the house. Um, just walking from point A to point B, going to the front door is a good one.

As you walk to the door, the dog shouldn't pull you to the door. Pop the leash, right? And if you've listened to any of my stuff, you already know, we highly recommend having your dog on a prong collar. If you don't currently have that, that would be a huge step in the right direction for you. Get a properly fitted prong collar. It should be nice and snug. Don't buy the super humongous ones that are like four millimeters thick. Um, small dogs get a 2.25 medium to large dogs can get a 3.0. We like Herm Springer brand, but any brand will work, okay?

07:00 — Kati recommends a properly fitted 2.0–3.0mm prong collar and rejects anything larger.

The anything bigger than a 3.0 millimeter is just too big. We, we almost never use them. Um, but get a properly fitted prone collar, put your leash on it. Learn how to deliver a pop. Don't just walk with a tight leash, pulling your dog back.

Learn how to give a pop that will actually get their attention. You'll see your dog turn around and look at you and go, oh, I didn't know that you had it in you to do that <laugh>. So, so you can start talking to your dog through that leash. And even if you just pick a couple of specific moments like walking to the front door, great start there. Okay? I am not saying you have to go out and perfect your walk today, although you can. It's not that hard to do. Um, put your dog on a leash in the house even and just learn how to give a little leash pop to disagree with things or to get your dog's attention.

That is gonna go so far you guys, because most people that are too soft with their dogs, they don't have any physical communication and that is critical.

So once your dog knows you communicate that way and they actually have to pay attention to you, that's a game changer. So do that. Number four, use your crate <laugh>. So these are all things we talk about, right? But not just using your crate. It's like, okay, maybe your dog likes to follow you around like a shadow everywhere. It's like decide that sometimes the crate is gonna be not just for when you leave the house or when you go to work, but you're gonna put your dog in there when you're home, doing dishes, doing housework, doing work on your computer, whatever it is.

Just put your dog in the crate for an hour. That's something a lot of folks don't do, and I really believe that there's a lot of magic in that. Um, but you're not just gonna put them in there, put 'em on a leash when you go to put them in there so that if they refuse or they don't want to go, you have a way to get the behavior and get them in, right?

So really important that we always control the outcome until our dog is well-trained. And that means putting them on a leash, right? Because if you're a soft person and your dog views you as a soft person and you say, Hey, fluffy, get over here and kennel up and fluffy just gives you the finger and walks away, well, you're not gaining any ground that way. You're not looking any less soft that way guys. So dog on a leash, then you go over, you point into the kennel and you say, kennel up, right? Or if you have a word you use at home, use that, whatever, right?

But if, if they don't go in, you've got a leash, now you make them go in. So just that little act where it's like, I ask you to do something once and then you do it. And if you don't, I get you to do it, right? And I'm not chasing you around the house, I'm not pleading with you. It's just very matter of fact, this is what we're doing. You're going in.

10:00 — Crate your dog matter-of-factly without pleading, chasing, or negotiating.

Then when it's time to come out, you need to be prepared to move quickly, right? So you're gonna open the kennel and if the dog already weasel their little head in there trying to come out, I want you to just slam that door shut real fast, right? So these wire kennels guys, they're not gonna hurt your dog. If it bumps them a little bit on the snoot, they're gonna be okay, right? But if you're too gentle, which you will be, if you're softy right, then you're not gonna send that message home and you're gonna know you don't send that message home because you're gonna go to open it again and your dog's gonna do the same thing.

So it's really important that if your dog is trying to rush out of the kennel, I want you to find it within you to be calm and assertive and just say no, and slam that kennel shut. Again, don't be afraid of it, <laugh>. Now, ideally what should happen is your dog is probably going to be a little surprised, right? 'cause they haven't seen this from you before and after 1, 2, 3 times, they're gonna probably sit, maybe not, but they're gonna probably look up at you kind of surprised. Like, oh, look at you. Draw a boundary, <laugh>, I'm proud of you mom, and that's what you want.

And once they're sitting there politely like that, looking to you, waiting for permission for instruction, then you can go ahead and open it and invite them out. Okay? But that one simple thing of like, you're going in, when I tell you to, you're coming out politely when I tell you to, you're not rushing out. That's huge, huge. So much more powerful than you think. So just finding small moments like that throughout the day to say, Hey, guess what? I have an expectation here. I have a standard for you here and I want you to meet that standard.

And there's not gonna be a negotiation, right? So very simple things. Learning to deliver a leash pot when your dog pulls you or does something else that you don't like.

Learning to use your kennel a little bit throughout the day and have standards about how they go in and out and not just managing it either, right? So if you have to dance around in front of the crate door to keep your dog from rushing out, you are not there. And everybody does that at first, but you're not there. We ultimately, if you're there, you'll be able to swing that crate door right open. And your dog doesn't even think about running out. That's when you know you're there, okay? But rehearse those two simple things. Number three, this is a big one, guys.

13:00 — Reduce unsolicited affection, particularly when your dog constantly demands petting.

Drum roll please. Less affection. Oh my god. So much less affection. I know everyone hears that and they're like, what? Why I spoil my baby <laugh>. Um, we actually had a person in the studio the other day with a very dangerous dog.

Um, and the lady in the relationship is the softer one. They're both, they've both been too soft with him, but she was a softer one. And he's extremely dangerous. Um, very dog aggressive, very reactive, um, has become very reactive, aggressive towards humans as well. Um, and she didn't know, you know, everything we talked about was like a light bulb came for her. She had no idea. Um, so I think a lot of people are like that and they don't realize the tie that exists between the affection and keeping your dog in a crappy head space.

And I'm not saying don't touch your dog or don't pet your dog at all. And even if you do do that, I'm not saying that's going to fix all of your problems, but you are absolutely strengthening this view. Your dog has a view that you are more or less their servant, their doormat, their pez dispenser, right? Because they already know that side of you. The soft side, the side that doesn't enforce things, the side that gives them love and affection and food and treats and play and all these nice things, but they don't know you as a relevant entity that actually has rules, standards, and boundaries.

And so when you're trying to balance that out, reducing the affection is so helpful, especially if you have a dog that's always demanding it.

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So you don't wanna be just mindlessly touching your dog all the time, especially with super soft pets. Um, try petting firmer, try being more intentional about it where you say, okay, I'm gonna sit down. I'm gonna spend a couple minutes with my dog. I'm gonna pet 'em. That's fine, but you're not gonna pet 'em every time he's in the room with you. Like we see people all the time just constantly stroking their dog. Um, and it creates a really unbalanced relationship. So don't do that. If you find yourself touching your dog all the time, try not to do that.

Try to be more mindful of how much you're doing that and when you're doing that, and also what state of mind they're in when you're doing that. If your dog is in a real needy state of mind or a nervous state of mind or a pushy state of mind, that's not a good time to be touching your dog.

Okay? Now, if you have a dog that's always demanding affection from you, like coming up and parring at you, pressing into you, these sorts of things make up your mind that you're not going to reward that all the time. Even if you do sometimes. And I'll be honest, my dog does it and I don't care. But I'll tell you what, I have a very balanced, healthy relationship with my dog. He knows he has to listen to me. Um, and we don't have any real problems. Uh, so it's fine, you know, but if your dog views you as a pushover, they don't always listen to you, then that's different, right?

So you have to do something to again, start changing this view of you as being like their servant in their doormat, right? You need to show them the other side of you that is worthy of respect, that does have standards that isn't there just to serve them all the time.

So if you have a dog that's super demanding for affection, I really recommend, um, that you not reward that all the time with affection. But also that is going to tie us into number two, which is a really big one. And I really like this one, which is learn to use your body to communicate physically with the dog. You guys, this one maybe should be number one because it's so powerful. Um, people tend to give up their space to the dog, right? Dog jumps on them. People move back. Dog advances on their dinner, they pull their dinner away and hold it over their head and everything else dog presses into them or lays on their feet.

18:00 — Reclaim personal space by using your body instead of backing away when your dog…

They take a step backwards. That is a person that is sending the message. I do what you tell me to, right? You can move me around the room. You can even advance on my dinner. And there's no consequence for that.

I'll just run away with it like a cat chasing a mouse. So use your body and if you have a dog that demands attention to you, that's a good time to do it. So the next time your dog does that to you, if this is a regular behavior for them, maybe instead of rewarding them with some petting, maybe what you do is you stand up and you walk right through them, just kind of bump 'em with your knee. So it bumps them away from you, right? Not kick them, not hurt them, but it's like a firm tap, usually with your knee.

But I suppose it will depend on how big your dog is, right? But you can use any part of your lower leg. It's just, it's like a tap, right? But it's a firm enough tap that it's, it's like a bump, right? And you just kind of, it's like you're walking right through 'em, and you can, you can just walk right through 'em. Like you can walk five, six feet away if that's helpful. But you, you also don't really have to, you can just bump them and not go anywhere, right? But you're saying, don't press on my legs.

Don't paw at me. Don't climb up into my space. This one is really, really, really big.

And most dogs are so used to being able to jump on people and people will either push 'em down, which by the way is, is just like giving them affection. Get your hands all over 'em, or they back away and the dogs moved them across the room that the first time you bump them, instead you walk through them, it gets their attention. They go, oh, I see you are relevant <laugh>. I didn't know, right? So learning to use your body is huge. You can do the same thing at the door, right? So I said, put your dog on a leash and use a leash.

Pop, great, do that. But the other thing you can do if you walk, walk up to the front door and your dog follows suit and goes up there and they've got their s snoop like glued to the door waiting for you to open it, well, instead of opening it, weasel your way in between the dog in the door, right? Turn your back to the door. So now you're facing the dog and bump them with your knee and bump 'em and bump 'em and bump 'em until they're pushed back sufficiently. And that my friend sends a very powerful message, Hey, this is my door.

21:00 — Move between your dog and a doorway, then use controlled knee bumps to push…

Stay away from the door. Give space at the door. Be polite back that ass up, <laugh>.

Um, and that is a make no mistake, guys, that is a very different conversation than putting your dog on a leash and pulling them away from the door because it says, I am controlling the door, right? And you're using your body, which dogs can interpret that very naturally most of the time, right? So using your body to bump your dog off from you, using your body to move the dog away from the door, or to move the dog around at all. So just in the house randomly for no reason. If your dog is there, you could go over and just make them move a little bit without grabbing them and pulling them or calling them right to silent activity.

Just go move the dog around a little bit with your body. Put pressure on them with your presence, with your body.

Tap them if you have to with your legs to get them to move. That type of communication will dramatically change things. In a lot of cases. It's just awakening your dog's sense of, oh, this is a relevant entity in my life. It's not just somebody who's there to serve me and their standards, right? They have standards, they have expectations. They demand respect from me. Sometimes they don't give me everything I want all the time. So all of those things are indeed very, very valuable. And number one is going to be just let your dog earn things.

Don't give them everything for free. We tend to shower our dogs with all these treats and toys and bones and chews and I mean, even their meals. Everything is free. And I'm not opposed to any of these things. But you know, part of the reason our puppy program is so amazing and gets such dramatic results is they work for every single piece of food.

We're using their meals for their training. And there's no reason you can't do that with your adult dog. And I mean, of course nobody wants to do that for, right? That would kind of be a pain, especially if you're busy. But just giving your dog all of the stuff, spoiling them all the time for free, that can create a spoiled dog, right? It can create a dog who's demanding, who's whiny, who's needy, who doesn't listen to you. So change that a little bit. Let them earn stuff, right? Might be their daily meals. Maybe instead of just feeding the dog, maybe now you ask them to do some things first, right?

Not chores. I mean, it would be great if you could do that. Get the dog to do the dishes and fold the laundry, then they can have their food. Um, I haven't succeeded at that yet, but if you figure it out, let me know. <laugh>. But really just, even just asking them for some simple stuff, right? Do some drills. Ask them to sit, ask them to lay down. Ask them to go to place. Whatever it is your dog knows, right? But instead of just asking for one simple trick, like work them for a few minutes.

Make them do a few things. You don't have to shove food down your throat every single time your dog does any little thing you ask for. You don't have to.

So let your dog work for a couple of minutes, then give them their meal, right? Or if you wanna give them treats during the day, great, but make them do something for it. Change things together up the challenge a little bit. Don't just ask them to shake and then, you know, throw them all kinds of biscuits. It's like, make 'em do stuff. Make 'em hold the position. Make 'em do something a little harder and don't let things slide. If you're the type to go, oh, well, close enough. Or I guess he just doesn't wanna do it right now and then give it.

Give them the food anyway. Don't do that.

So follow through is everything. Have standards, right? But make your dog earn some of this stuff rather than just showering them with all of these goodies all the time for free. Hey guys, thanks for joining us today. I really hope you enjoyed the show. If there's a specific topic you'd like to hear discussed, you can send that to me directly via email or fan mail. Just jump down into the show notes. That information will be there for you. I really look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for supporting the show, and I look forward to next time I.