Everybody Thinks They’re The Judge!

00:00 — Kati introduces judgment as a common challenge for dog owners training in public.

Welcome to Off Leash and Unfiltered Trigger Warning. I'm Kati Peppe, delivering the Truth in Dog Training.

Hey everybody, Kati Peppe of Diamond Canine Dog Training. Welcome back to another episode of Off Leash and Unfiltered. Today is an interesting episode, uh, because so many people are dealing with this and I, I mean, I think that's true for <laugh> for a lot of the material I cover, but this is sort of a high emotion topic that really impacts our performance as humans. Um, it's not easy to deal with. And what I'm talking about is judgment. So this is a really common question, you guys that I get all the time. Everybody wants to know how do you deal with those people?

How do you deal with those people that judge you, whether it be a complete stranger, <laugh>, because believe it or not, people feel entitled to give you their opinion even though you have no idea who they are and don't care what they think.

Um, a complete stranger, a friend, you know, people at the office, coworkers, uh, and worst of all family, sometimes even very immediate family like spouse or significant other, uh, which is crazy, crazy that some people are living in a household where they're trying so hard to achieve these goals with their dogs and change behaviors and they, it's an uphill battle because the other person who's supposed to be supporting them and helping them achieve these goals, uh, with the family dog is opposed to the techniques, the tools, strategies, whatever the case may be. So how do you deal with judgment?

It's, it sounds like a complicated question. Um, and like maybe there's a different answer for like each scenario, right? Whether it's someone you know, someone you don't know, and it's really not to me. Um, but I think this comes, this comes a lot easier to me, so, uh, than it does to some people. Um, because I really truly just give zero shits what anybody thinks You have zero shits what any of you think about me <laugh>. So no offense, um, I wanna be helpful. I wanna be an ally to people. Um, my customers are dear to me.

I care very much about them. But if somebody doesn't like me personally or they don't like what I do, what I teach, I don't care. Like, I do not care at all. So don't listen, don't watch, don't visit me. I don't care. <laugh>.

So, and I think that is obviously the best answer is to just not care. But that's a lot easier said than done, right? So let's talk about what you can do. What can you do if you find yourself in a situation where someone decides they're going to give you their completely unsolicited <laugh> advice or opinion on your training methods that you're using with your dog? Okay, I have a few things I wanna say about this. Number one, if you're out in public working your dog around complete strangers, people that don't know you, they don't know your dog, they probably don't know dick about dog training either, but besides the point, don't make eye contact with these people.

04:00 — Avoid eye contact with strangers while working your dog to reduce unwanted interactions.

They're not your friends. You're not there to see them. And it's funny because if you were there without your dog, you wouldn't do that. You would not make eye contact with everybody walking down, you know, the paint aisle or whatever the case may be at Home Depot, um, or the bird seed aisle in tractor Supply.

Like you're, if you make eye contact, you're probably just gonna look away. Maybe give 'em a brief smile, look away. Um, but for some reason, when we have our dogs with us, people tend to like lock eyes and smile because you're doing the same thing dogs do. You're expecting that other person to want to come interact because you have your dog. And so then you inadvertently are invite inviting it, right? You're expecting the attention. So you act accordingly. You maintain the eye contact, you smile, you keep walking closer, um, and you're inviting more contact. So I don't do that.

I'm, I'm sorry, but when I'm out working dogs in public, I'm like, I've got resting bitch face. Okay, sorry. I'm very serial when we're out in public, like I'm there to work the dogs. Like, I'm not trying to be rude or mean, I'm not there for those people.

So if someone says something to me or wants to stop and talk to me, I do, I usually do, right? I don't let 'em touch the dogs. Um, but I'm not rude in that sense. I just, that's not what I'm there for, guys. I'm just, I'm there with my dog and rather my dog or or my client's dog, whether there's a dog with me or not. Like I'm not there to make friends. I'm not there to interact with people. So I'm not even looking at them. I don't care about them. And you're gonna find if you do that, you get way less, way less interaction from strangers, which I think is what a lot of us would like.

'cause then we don't have to worry about the pressure, especially if you have a dog that you know you need to advocate for so badly, like you'll get a lot less unwanted attention.

You just stop making eye contact with people. Um, especially if you're looking at your dog a lot and giving your dog a lot of feedback. People know you're busy with your dog, you're training. So that's helpful. But I mean, the second piece is if someone decides to give you an opinion on what you're doing or how you're doing it, just thanks for your advice. Take a frigging hike. <laugh>, seriously. So I don't know, like you can be polite about it or you can be curt about it. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter because it's unsolicited advice.

You didn't want it, you didn't ask for it. Um, I tend to be more, you know, go jump off a cliff, okay? Uh, but if you're the type of person who you know, doesn't like conflict, doesn't like confrontation, uh, then you can be more polite about it.

07:00 — People who dislike confrontation can politely explain that they are training and do not…

And most people are respectful of that. If you say, you know what, we're training, we don't want interaction. Or if you say, yeah, thanks, but this is, you know, the route we decided to go, whatever the case may be. So I didn't, you can tell I didn't think beforehand of what some of these responses might be. Um, but my advice to you is to think about it ahead of time so that when you do go out and you do eventually maybe run into one of these people who's like, you shouldn't be using that Collar, uh, that's abuse.

Um, you have a response ready to go. And so then that takes a lot of pressure off you. So what is anxiety other than like the unknown, right? It's the question marks. That's what anxiety is, guys. It's what it is for your dog too. So if you know, hey, if someone approaches me, this is what I do.

If someone gives me an unsolicited opinion, that's rude, this is what I say, you're gonna feel way better going out and working your dog in public because you're ready for it. And you just gotta whip that response out and go on your way. So that's my advice, is however you wanna respond, think of that response now and just put it in the file. So when you need it, you can just pull it up, okay? So, but don't feel obligated to be nice to these people. These are not nice people. They're masquerading as nice people. That's kind of the point.

Like that's why people do this because they need credit for being nice people. They're not nice people. They're assholes. <laugh>, okay? Because only an asshole would approach a complete stranger and give them their unsolicited opinions and insults. Nice people don't do that. Okay? Now, if it's a little more complicated and it's a friend or a family member, most people try to justify what they're doing.

They try to explain it and hey, I love educating people about this stuff. But people have to be ready for it. They have to be ready for it. Nobody cares what you know about it. They don't, not until they're ready for it. If someone has decided they don't like ecos, they don't like prong collars and they're gonna attack you about it, they're gonna tell you what they think about it. They're gonna tell you how you shouldn't be doing that. Look, there's nothing you're gonna say that is going to change this person's mind, okay? You're not gonna say, oh no, no.

The way we do it, it's actually very gentle and the dog's in control of it 'cause they understand it. 'cause we did all this training. They don't care guys. They do not care. It's not even about the dog. You gotta remember that this is not about the dog, it's about them. Okay? So don't even waste your breath. Like that's my advice there.

10:00 — Judgmental relatives may be focused on themselves rather than the dog, making explanations ineffective.

So, I mean, how many dogs have they trained and how did things pan out? Okay? Because every dog is different too. So one thing that really pisses me off, <laugh>, I'm sorry, but more than anything in the world is like when someone's like, well my dog, like, we never had to do that. And it's like, good for you, good for you. Maybe you had a different dog, which is very likely, right? Because they're all different. But you know what's even more likely is they had different standards. More likely they didn't have any standards. So most people teach their dog, you know, how to sit, how to come back when called.

But then they never expect it. They never train that it's non-negotiable. That's the difference, okay? That's why they never needed any of that stuff because they didn't care that it was reliable. They didn't care that they didn't actually have control of their dog.

And that's akay, that's their prerogative, right? As long as their dog doesn't bother me, then we have a problem. <laugh>. But they don't care. They didn't care if their, if the behaviors were reliable or, or negotiable or optional, didn't matter to them. And that's why they never used anything other than food and praise. So great, good for them. And that might be a good response, you know, especially if you happen to know who their dog was and what that looked like, right? You're like, well that's because you never expected the behavior to be reliable. It's 'cause you never actually had control of your dog.

It's 'cause I wanna be able to take my dog off the leash. I wanna be able to take my dog in public and not be embarrassed. And also, I don't care what you think. So the first time a friend or a family member gave me that kind of, um, judgment, I might give them one depending on who it is.

I might give them one chance. And I would say, you know what? I didn't ask for your opinion. You don't know what you're talking about and I don't wanna hear it again, you can train your dog the way you want and I'm gonna train my dog the way I want. And if they don't respect that, right? And again, you can say that as nice and tactfully as you want, or you can be as bitchy about it as you want. Like me, <laugh>, I'm bitchy. I don't care. Um, if they didn't respect that boundary in the future, now it's more than dog training.

It's a relationship thing. It's like, is this a person I want in my life? Is this a person I wanna be around? Is this a person I want in my home? Like I'm serious guys. Not because you disagree about dog training, but because they won't respect your boundaries.

13:00 — Repeated criticism after setting a boundary signals disrespect and may require reconsidering someone’s role…

They are disrespecting you by giving you shit about this. Especially if they do it more than once after you told them not to. That is freaking wild to me that you would even have that person in your house, right? It's no different than if someone criticized me for how I parent my child. Good. Get the fuck out. Like, I don't need that. This is not your rodeo <laugh>, okay? So, uh, and I know this doesn't come really easily to a lot of people, um, but I do really believe that there's some real true opportunity there for some personal growth.

You don't have to be bitchy if you don't wanna be bitchy, but you do have to stand up for yourself. You have to stand up for yourself. You have to stand up for what you believe in. And if I am to be frank right now, our whole country's in a mess because people don't, people are afraid to do that.

You need to have a backbone guys baby steps, right? You don't have to become super confrontational, um, especially overnight. But it's like, have boundaries demand that people give you an acceptable level of respect. Do not let people treat you badly, and that is treating you badly. Stand up for yourself. Tell them no, like, I'm not gonna take that. I'm not gonna subject myself to this, right? It's wild that we let strangers do it, but I mean, to have people in our homes spending time with us, especially if it's like day in, day out, no, it's not.

Okay. So you might really wanna think about, you know, is this really a dog training conversation or is it like a relationship and personal boundaries conversation? Is it a lack of respect conversation?

Absolutely nuts. So, and if that person happens to be your significant other or your spouse, you've got a real problem. It's a real problem. So you can keep trying to train the dog your way, but the fact is you're gonna go around and around and back and forth, guys, because the one person that you're supposed to be a real team with is on a completely different page. And so you've gotta find a way to come to an agreement about what you're gonna do and how you're gonna do it, because it's so important to be on the same page.

And so when there's deep philosophical differences there between people, man, that's not easy. It's a real hurdle. But it might be good for your relationship to figure out how do we work through that. Um, you know, don't view it as like, I have to win or you have to win, but you really knew need to come to an agreement.

16:00 — Partners must reach an agreement about training tools and methods instead of treating the…

And most of the time it is because people are just ignorant about the tools, about the training. They don't get it, they don't understand it. But like I said earlier, the problem is they don't want to, they don't wanna, they just wanna be right? And they just wanna feel like they're a better person than you <laugh>. So, and you can't have a productive conversation with somebody like that. Like you just can't do it. Um, and so not worth it, not worth it. But so my advice, when you're out, work your dog, you know, have your responses prepared, right?

If somebody wants to touch your dog and you don't want them to, or if somebody gives you a really rude opinion on what you're doing, have a response prepared for that as well. So you're just ready for it. And I think that's gonna help you to feel better.

Um, be conscious of how you're invi inviting people maybe to come interact because you're making prolonged eye contact and, and smiling and you're paying more attention to them than you are to the dog, right? It's the same exact thing that we teach our dogs not to do. Stop paying more attention to that stranger than me. But here you are doing it. When you're walking through tractor supply or whatever the case may be, uh, you're paying more attention to that stranger than you are to the dog, and that's why they come over and interact. So, um, pay attention to that the next time you're, the next time you're out.

Uh, and as for your family and friends, you know, find a way, find it within yourself to draw that boundary and tell them it's not okay for them to do that. Like, you know what you're doing.

You feel like you've made the decision that's best for you and, and your dog, and you don't want their opinion. You didn't ask for it. And uh, you know, if they can't respect that, then I think you actually need to have a bigger conversation. And maybe you need to think about this person's role in your life because maybe they're not great for you. So seriously. All right? Way off dog training track here, aren't we? Because it is, and this is about philosophies and ideologies and trying to beat people into submission and moral superiority. It's not about dog training, I really believe that.

Um, but don't hide it either, you know, so you can, like some people do, but like, I'm not tying a bandana around my dog's neck to hide what I'm doing because then that actually subconsciously I believe makes you feel like you're doing something wrong. Like you're doing something bad, right? Because now you have to hide it. Don't hide it. So the more outspoken you are, the more you learn to stand up for yourself, the more open you are about what you do, the better you can feel about it and the more confident you'll be. It's just like dog training.

It's the same thing we do with dogs, guys. It's like face the thing that makes you uncomfortable a little bit at a time. Like voluntarily face it.

19:00 — Kati encourages gradually facing public discomfort so owners can feel confident taking their dogs…

And the next thing you know, like it just gets easy. So you deserve to feel comfortable when you go out with your dog. You deserve to feel confident when you correct your dog in front of somebody, right? Because you'll never get there with your dog if you don't, if you avoid those corrections because there's somebody around, then your dog knows. There's just no accountability when there's people around. Like, what good is that? That is zero. Good. So don't hide it, don't avoid it. Um, you know, this is a journey for both of you. And I think dog training always is, but especially if this stuff's hard for you.

Uh, and I think it's, it's hard for a lot of people 'cause I get this question quite a bit. And the other thing is, I get this question about the vet's office too. And man, there are so many vets out there that are giving advice on training and they should be ashamed.

Now, I'm not saying there are no vets out there that don't know stuff about training. There may very well be, it's not like you can only have knowledge in one field, but it's not their profession. And most of them don't know. Most of them know what they read in some magazine article or some book written by some idiot like Ian Dunbar, and I'm sorry, but <laugh>, the guy's, guy's kind of an idiot. Actually, I don't know that he is because I think he's more of a liar, is more accurate, <laugh>. But you know, at any rate, they don't know.

They don't do it day in and day out. They don't see the results. They don't know. And again, they're human beings and they probably don't care to know. They just wanna push what they think, they want to push their agenda, they want to be viewed as morally superior, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Again, not about the dog, not about the results. It's never about the results. It's only about the process and how you do it doesn't matter if you ever get there, that's not important to these people. But it's like, do you wanna go to a vet?

Do you wanna go to a vet's office where they make you feel like that, where they judge you?

Really? Do you wanna give those people your money? Like they're giving you 2 cents on training you didn't freaking ask for. They have no clue what they're talking about. I don't care if they're professionals, they're not professional trainers. And frankly, even if they were, a lot of professional trainers don't know what they're talking about either. So it's like, no, like if I want your advice, I'll ask. So, but vets tend to be, not all of them. I don't wanna paint them all with the same big broad paintbrush. There are a lot of vets that are fantastic and we need vets and they're great.

They provide us a very necessary service for our dogs and help us keep them healthy. But like, that's their feel, right? Physical care of the dog, vaccines, injuries, uh, you know, preventing illness, their, their field is not anxiety, their field is not obedience.

And even nutrition is a little outside their field. So a lot of them don't have the expertise there. And I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna go to a vet's office where they criticize me for feeding my dog the way I do and for training my dog the way I do because that's not what I'm there for. And I don't care what they think. So take some power back and like, don't give your money to these people. Go somewhere else, right? And especially like I said, today's day and age, like we really need to start doing that because it's getting out of control.

So everyone's goal nowadays is to beat everybody else into submission. And if you're hiding what you're doing, if you're giving your money to people that do this, then you're part of the problem, right? And I don't say that to make you feel bad, but take your power back and stand up for yourself a little bit at a time. Be more open. You know, draw clearer boundaries. Tell people you don't want their advice, right? Demand a little bit of respect. All right, guys, before I ramble on anymore <laugh>, I think we're gonna wrap this one up.

23:00 — Owners should take back their power by drawing clearer boundaries and refusing unwanted training…

Uh, it's a very heated topic, so I'm sure we'll, we'll talk more about it another time. But thank you all for listening and I look forward to seeing you next time. <affirmative>.